


Stand in the Rain

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-06-02
Packaged: 2018-01-18 20:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1441414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It hurts to be alone in an apartment without a brother there. Dirk knows that Dave only sees him as a bother and that makes it even worse. He's falling apart at the seems and he isn't sure if he can pull himself together because he's too numb to tell if it's working. DirkxAlpha Bro concept with mentions of JakexDirk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Need to Eat

Dirk slammed his fist into the wall, listening to the crack of the material as it crumbled under the pressure and gave in. He didn’t look at the hole he’d left, he would later when he went to fix it. He simply pulled his hand away and wiped off the side of it. It didn’t even hurt. What a disappointment. The pain is what he’d been looking for. It was some kind of proof that he was still alive and trudging on. He couldn’t find that security anymore. He felt numb. Even when he cried, nothing hurt. Dirk could probably be classified as a plant with legs. All he did was take in oxygen and let out carbon dioxide. All he did was make things easier for people.

The blond sat down in his chair and opened his laptop. He may as well study for his college shit, right? Right. He had an assignment due in four days and he wanted to keep the Exceptional scored he had coming. Dirk was passing every class he had with flying colors as if it were easy. Maybe it was. He thought it was just easier because, while other people had lives that cut down their time to work on their assignments, he did nothing all day but work on them and other things he did for ‘fun’. Distractions.

He worked for an hour on one thing and then another hour on something else before he realized he’d been ignoring Roxy’s messages. She was about the only person he could talk to and he’d been ignoring her. Damn it.

TG: dirk

TG: i know youre in the zone right now but

TG: im gonna be all sober 4 u

TG: slightly sober*

TG: come on dirky

TT: Sorry. I was ‘in the zone’ exactly like you said.

TG: ;) i knew it

TG: anyways

TG: have you left your apartment at all in the last week

TT: Yeah. I spent all day on tuesday out in the park watching children play and feeding the birds, singing and soaking up the sun. I don’t have a friend who is a communist that owns an RV, though, so I guess I can’t make a hit song.

TG: dirk

TT: No. I haven’t.

TG: its been a month now

TT: I’m busy. It’s not like I need to go out.

TG: you need air and you probably need groceries

He bit his lip, shoulders sinking even further as he felt a wave of guilt wash over him. Roxy was trying her best to take care of him from Virginia, but she couldn’t. She shouldn’t have to. His brother should have been there doing that. Making sure he’d eaten. Dirk looked at his room. There were empty water bottles and glasses everywhere, but only one plate and two wrappers from energy bars. He hadn’t eaten in over a day. Looking down at himself, he knew he should be eating more. He looked healthy because he worked out, but he needed more food.

TG: oh my god

TG: you aren’t eating right are you

TT: It depends on what you would call ‘eating right’.

TG: two or three meals a day

TG: not even meals

TG: cereal for breakfast

TG: a sandwich and fruit or jello or yogurt or something for lunch

TG: something cooked for dinner that almost fills you up

TG: snacs in between too

TG: snacks*

TT: Okay. I’ll go make something to eat. Is one of those heatable healthy meals acceptable?

TG: drink a glass of water with those flavored packets i made you buy

TT: The ones that give you vitamins?

TG: yeah

TT: Okay. Thanks Rox.

TG: no prob dirky

TG: by

TG: bye*

TG: im messing up simple stuff today

TT: Bye.

Dirk logged off and shut his laptop. He figured he may as well get up and do as he was told, so he stood and went to the kitchen where he opened the freezer drawer and pulled out one of those easy cook meals. He stuck it in the microwave and grabbed a bottled water and a flavor packet. Once it was all ready to go, he pulled out a sleeping pill and set it aside. He took it after he ate and then went straight to bed.

He woke up from a nightmare.

After a few weeks of doing as Roxy had told him to do, he started going jogging on a daily basis. When it rained, he skipped and he didn’t overdo it the next day. That was unhealthy and he’d been taught not to do that. Dirk had a farmer’s tan from his tank top, shorts, and shoes and it made him chuckle.

He felt better, but he still spent most of his time at home, working. He was so ahead in the courses now that a few teachers had asked him if he wanted a small break out of concern for his health. He said no. That he was fine. It was mostly true.

Dirk’s body was healthy and hydrated. He was fit. His hair was shiny and his nails had lost that rough texture. His skin looked better than it had in over a year. But, the bags under his eyes were still prominent. He still had days where he would freak out and break something. Out of fear for ruining everything he owned, Dirk bought a punching bag and used that as his form of relief. Then, he would sit down and let himself cry like a baby and pass out.

He always slept better after his fits.

 


	2. The first step to recovery is admittng that you have a problem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a warning, this is mostly a talk with a therapist (oh look! It's Ms. Paint!)

A month later, Dirk was sitting in the library for the first time in what felt like two years, though it had only been one. He had lost track of time really. He blamed it on his brother.

Christmas was approaching quickly and he’d just finished packaging and shipping gifts to his three friends, well one friend and two acquaintances. After his breakup with Jake, their friendship crumbled and Jake blocked him. He figured he may as well send him something, though. If two nice sweaters, a good jacket for tough wear, new boots, new shorts, a few new gadgets, a huge first aid kit, and a but load of bug spray and sunscreen counted as ‘something’. He kept it simple for Jane: a simple blue dress, a new apron, and a gift card to Bed, Bath & Beyond. Roxy got new legwarmers, three pairs of tights she claimed to want, a sweater-dress, boots, and some cat stuff. He also got her a scarf and sent her a bottle of his cologne and an orange t-shirt because she loved it when he visited her a while back.

He sighed, closing his textbook. He grabbed his backpack up from the floor and sat it on the table before he packed everything up. A few more months and he’d be graduating from college and he wouldn’t have to worry about any of it anymore. He kind of wondered what he would do once he was done. He’d get a job. . . maybe he’d move to Virginia and be with Roxy. Then she’d get married and have kids. That would leave him all alone again. He could move to Minnesota. That’d be new. Then again, he technically couldn’t do much. He was turning seventeen in a few days, so he had another year to go before he was legal. God damn it.

Flinging his bag over his shoulder, the blond realized that it wasn’t just his birthday two days away. It was Dave’s, too. He’d thought about what to get him, but he never figured out what he was definitely going to get him. He had time for a shopping trip on the way home.

As he got in the car and shoved his bag into the passenger’s seat, he thought about where to go. He finally decided on Best Buy. He got Dave a one hundred dollar gift card and a fifty dollar gift card for Olive Garden, because famous people really liked to go there for meetings. He never got why, the food made his stomach sick every time.

When he paid, he almost jumped at the sound of his own voice. When had it gotten so deep? It wasn’t until after he was back in his car that he realized he hadn’t spoken since October. Fuck. There definitely was something wrong with that.

TT: Rox, I need you to set me up an appointment with a therapist.

TG: r u realy goin to see one

TG: really*

TT: The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? I’m fessing up.

TG: spit it out driky

TT: I just realized I hadn’t spoken since October.

TG: yup

TG: ill go get u an appoimen t set up rigth now

TG: appointment*

TG: right*

TG: bye bye

TT: Bye.

Dirk groaned, hitting his head against the headrest on his seat. Where had he fucked up his life? He was pathetic. He had fits, he had panic attacks and nightmares, he went months without speaking, and he was obsessive over work. He was worse than his brother. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!

He gripped the steering wheel harshly, hands trembling. He was too angry to cry and too angry to care that he was probably putting finger indents on the wheel. He’d get upset at himself for that later. Instead, he jammed his key into it’s proper spot and turned up the music on his radio. He had his iPod plugged up and was blasting Skillet’s Monster, making a guy jump as it came on. Dirk drove home like that, not speeding at all. He drove home, making sure every move was perfect, because he was a perfectionist and he needed to calm down.

Only when he got home did he realize he forgot to send the gift cards.

He grabbed an old birthday card and taped them in with a ‘great work on the latest movie, bro.’ and stuck it in an envelope with Dave’s office address then went down stairs and shoved it in the box. He had a meltdown when he got back upstairs and slept on the floor in the living room that night in a puddle of his tears.

When he woke up, he had three hours notice about a therapist appointment and he groaned. His muscles were sore from laying in such an awkward position and he felt like he’d been eating carpet and forgot to swallow some of it. As he pulled himself up from the ground, he saw an incoming message from Dave. It’d been weeks since he’d heard from him.

 

TG: yo

TG: wanted you to know your teacher emailed me

TG: you need to stay healthy

TG: need you up and alert while im gone

It would have been sweet if it weren’t for that last message. Go Dave. You ruin everything you say. Instead of ‘I care about your health’ it suddenly became ‘I don’t need any other concerns right now so stop having issues even if they’re my fault’. You know what? Fuck you, too, Bro.

Dirk threw his cell on the futon and stood, stretching his arms up and over his head. Things popped and cracked and it hurt, but it was an okay kind of pain. So, Dirk ignored the pain and made his way to the bathroom. Today, he would take his time in the shower and make himself feel better.

The blond started the water and cleared his throat. He stared at himself in the mirror for a moment and sighed.

“Morning, Dirk.”

His voice had changed, but he kind of liked it. It was new and warm.

He stripped and hopped right into the shower, soaking his hair before he started to scrub his face. He let the soap sit as he started to wash his hair, waiting for his face to start feeling like he’d stuck mint chapstick all over it. He took a long time to shower and shave his armpits. He hated the hair there. It was a bit too itchy, so he’d started shaving it. When he got out of the shower, it was hard to breathe. He turned on the vent, relieved to finally be able to breathe again.

He did his hair and put on his shades, but by the time he was choosing what to wear, his self esteem had dropped. He looked down at himself and sighed. He grabbed a loose pair of white cargo pants and a black v-neck. He stuck them on then looked down again. Better. Wait. . . It was December second and it was getting chillier. Sighing at the need for a jacket, he pulled one on. It was maroon with pink lettering on the right breast that read ‘I’ll fight’ and had a breast cancer symbol on it. Last year, the lady two apartments over had been diagnosed and he’d gone out and bought a bunch of things to support her. She’d always been there for him when he needed it.

He slipped on a pair of grey converse, grabbed his keys, and left.

The office wasn’t hard to find. It was right next to where his dentist’s office was. Dirk didn’t really care that he still had thirty minutes to spare before his fifteen minute-in-advance check-in. He just went in, signed in, and took a seat in a big chair. The waiting room was empty, but cozy.

His main issue was sitting and listening to the woman at the computer type and click. After about five minutes, he was getting a bit frustrated. That’s when he got called in. He was suddenly glad he came early.

The therapist looked nice enough. She had warm brown eyes and short blonde hair. She was too pretty to be working here, he thought to himself.

“Good morning, Dirk, how are you feeling today?” Her voice was melodic. Wow. This might be easier than he thought.

“The same as usual,” he responded. His voice sounded dry. Immediately, he hated it. Her voice was pretty. People probably loved her while they hated him. He was stupid.

“And how is that?”

Dirk noticed that she took no notes. She wasn’t treating him like an experiment. He liked her even more. “Crappy.”

She nodded as if she understood. Maybe she did. Maybe she’d gone through something a little similar. Teenagers did that right? His was just a bit worse. Yeah. . .

“My name is Dr. Paint, but you’re welcome to call me Macey,” she said. She didn’t ask him to elaborate. “Maybe we should start with introductions? Life stories? I can go first.”

Dirk shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I don’t have much to say.” He tugged on his shirt. “My name’s Dirk Strider, Dave Strider’s little brother. You can see where this would start my issues.” She nodded. “But that’s not really all there is to it. I have a back story.”

Macey nodded yet again. “Most of us do, dear. Yours may be worse than most, though. Would you like something to drink?”

Dirk looked at her blankly. “Um . . . yeah, actually. If I can.”

The woman’s grin grew and she pulled out a bottled water from under her desk, handing it to him. “I have a fridge.” She winked. “Now, feel free to continue.”

Taking it with a shy ‘thank you’ he continued. He knew she wasn’t allowed to leak anything he gave her, so he was safe. “There’s a reason he raised me. He moved me out of my parent’s house when I was about ten and he was sixteen. Technically it was my mom’s house and her boyfriend had moved in three years before.” Dirk paused to take a sip of the water. he put it down on the table before him because he had started shaking. As if it offered security, he leaned into the chair he was in, the soft leather greeting his back. “He’d finally gotten custody of me even as a minor because he’d graduated college. Rick had. . .um. . .” He didn’t want to say it.

“He’d inappropriately touched you?”

“Yeah. Except it was worse. Once Dave walked in on him doing it and went to punch him. He got beaten down and then handcuffed to the post of the guy’s desk and made to watch.”

Macey looked very sympathetic. She said nothing, willing Dirk to continue.

“That was about that. I remember the last thing my mom said was how it was my fault I would never see her again and I cried, but then Dave picked me up and put me in his little truck and we moved here.”

Macey nodded. “And now?”

“Well, I’m in college. I’m seventeen. I have melt downs. Yesterday was the first time I’d talked since October. My brother never comes home.” Dirk realized he felt nearly nothing when he said this.

“Do you feel better to talk things out?”

Dirk glanced around the room and looked at everything. The room was nice. It had a rug beneath his feet that covered most of the room. There were a few plants. The windows let in a good amount of sunlight. “I think so.”

When he looked back at Dr. Paint, she was smiling. “I’m glad.” She fiddled with a pink pen. “Dirk, have you been in any relationships in the past seven years other than the relationship with your brother?”

“I have friends.” Had friends. “My best friend was the one to set up the appointment.”

Macey nodded. “Anything closer than friendships, though?” she asked.

“I had a boyfriend.” It felt weird to just put out there. He hated talking about Jake. He needed to do it, though, he supposed. He couldn’t run away from him forever.

“And had that caused any issues in your life?”

“Well, the being gay thing has gotten me beaten up once or twice, yeah. Jake. . . yeah. He’s caused a few issues, but I won’t blame him for it.” As his voice shook, he gripped his pants. no. Don’t break.

He was then handed a thing of playdough. It was white. A pure color. “That’s a good thing, Dirk, you know.”

He looked at her as he squeezed the playdough, manipulating it. She looked happy and that made him happy. He made her smile. “What is?”

Macey stood up and made her way to the chair beside him, crossing her legs. She had on a pretty pink skirt and a light green button-up. “The fact that you aren’t blaming other people. That’s something a lot of people do. They blame others for their problems.” She leaned forward, resting an elbow on her knee. “But you can’t blame everything on yourself either.”

“I know,” he said, looking down at his lap. Dirk rolled the dough into a ball then squashed it.

“How about we meet twice a week? We can just talk and work out issues going on in your life. I won’t diagnose you with anything or give you any pills to take. I can tell you don’t need them. You just need someone to talk with.” Dirk couldn’t believe she was saying something like that. “Is that okay?”

“Yes.” He grinned and it hurt but he did it. He grinned.

Dr. Paint sent him on his way with a smile and a goodbye. She gave him her number for if he needed emergency help and then turned back to her desk.

“Oh, and Dirk, throw out those sleeping pills. They aren’t prescription.”

Dirk froze. How did she know he had them? “Y-Yes, ma’am.” Then Dirk left.

When the got home, he pulled the bottle of pills from the cabinet and flushed them all down the toilet. Apparently, that was what you were supposed to do with pills you didn’t need. Maybe it was to keep animals from locating them at dumps. He wasn’t sure.

Dirk took a seat on the sofa and picked his cell phone up. Instead of messaging Roxy, he called her. He waited for fifteen seconds before she finally picked up.

“Dirky? Bae, how’d it go?” Her voice filled Dirk with sudden joy.

“It went well. I think. The therapist was really nice.”

Roxy giggled. “I’m soooo happy to hear your voice again.” Dirk heard her hiccup. Yeah, she was drunk. “Thanks for callin’ me. I love tlaking to you.” Dirk chuckled.

“Don’t kill too many brain cells, Roxy. Getting drunk does that.”

“I know,” she sang. “Anyways, I should go. Let’s Skype in a few hours, okay?”

Dirk told her that would be fine and hung up. He had homework to do anyway.


	3. Nobody Remembers or Nobody Cares. Either way. Nobody.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthdays bring out what lies beneath. The fears that Dirk has. He can't escape anymore.

Dirk was sitting on the futon with a notebook on his lap when Roxy finally called him over Skype. He put down the notepad and picked up his laptop from the coffee table, putting it in his now empty lap. He hit the answer button.

“Dirky!”

Dirk nearly grimaced, but he caught himself. “Hey.” God, she was loud.

Roxy was sitting on the other side of the screen, on her bed, leaning against her wall. She was only in a tank-top and bra and probably leggings with leg warmers and maybe some shorts, but all he could see was her upper half. Her scarf was draped around her neck. She never took that thing off. “That package sent really quickly! Thanks for the gifts!”

“Oh, they already got to you?” Dirk was actually fairly surprised. He hadn’t expected them to get to her so quickly.

“Yep! And now I can smell like you. I mean, hoooooly shit. This stuff smelled great on you while you were here. I think I’m just gunna spray it all over my bed and lay in it forever.” Dirk noticed that her words were slightly slurred.

“I’m glad to know I smell good, Roxy.” Dirk chuckled slightly.

“It’s your birthday tomorrow right?” She changed the subject so easily, just like always.

“Yeah. . .” Dirk had almost forgot. It wasn’t that important.

“I sent you a gift, it should get there tomorrow.” She grinned. “By the way. . . is your bro coming home for your birthday?” Her mouth was lined over with black lipstick. It was weird how well she pulled it off.

“Um, nah. I don’t think he is.”

It wasn’t that surprising that he wasn’t. Dirk was used to spending birthdays and holidays alone by now. Sometimes he got gifts, usually he didn’t even get a text from Dave. But, he never failed to end up on a magazine on a stand that Dirk just so happened to pass. Out of need to know that he wasn’t alone, Dirk would pick it up, buy it, and go home and read all about Dave Strider and what he’d been doing without his little brother. Last time Roxy visited, she found the stack of magazines under Dirk’s bed and she had a sit down talk with him. She then threw them all out and let Dirk cry on her lap until he fell asleep while she carded her fingers through his hair and told him it was all okay.

“Aww, Dirky, I’m sorry.” Her black lips stuck out with a pout and Dirk gave her a reassuring grin. One of those sad ones that look a bit nostalgic. Almost like the one on the Mona Lisa.

(Dirk never got why everyone thought it was so mysterious. She just looks nostalgic, maybe a bit sad.)

“You know it’s fine. Maybe I’ll go out to eat. I’ll find something to do.”

Roxy gave him a small grin. “That’s it. Good. I’ll bug ya alllllll day, Maybe I’ll leave you a voice mail singing happy birthday!”

Dirk chuckled.

He and Roxy talked for two hours about anything and everything and yet, about nothing. He figured out that her aunt was over, taking care of her while her mom was in Hollywood - for Dave’s birthday of course. He listened to her talk all about the boy she was head over heels for, the same guy she had joined marching band for. Dirk always laughed at the pictures of her in the too-big marching uniform. She was petite and it showed when she had the thing on. She forced him to tell her about therapy and she was very proud of herself for getting him such a good ‘shrink’ as he always called it. He helped her figure out some things for school because she wasn’t good at math, but she was great at science and English - and history was just a waste to her because she didn’t care about it in the least.

He said goodbye at 6 o’clock on the dot, after he heard her get called for dinner.

Dirk sat his computer aside and leaned back into the futon. He stared up at the ceiling for a while, thinking about nothing and just letting his mind wander. He’d heard people say that you couldn’t think about nothing. He guessed they were right, but, when he stared up at the ceiling, he felt like his brain was empty. He knew he was thinking, but he couldn’t tell you what he was thinking, not without a lot of thought.

He eventually picked up his phone and looked at the time. He’d wasted nearly an hour staring blankly at a white wall that served as a roof. Damn it.

Slowly, he picked himself up from the couch and hit the keyboard on his phone. Dirk was taking a big risk doing this, but he thought he should. He gave Dave a call, shaking just a bit. Why was he shaking? There was no reason for that. He wasn’t scared of Dave or anything. Was he?

The phone rang for thirty seconds before it sent Dirk to voicemail.

“The number you have dialed cannot be reached at the moment, please leave your message after the tone.”

Dirk took a breath.

“Hey, Bro. Happy birthday. Hope you and Rose have fun hanging out or partying or whatever it is you two are gonna do. Call me back if you can. Thanks.”

He hung up.

Immediately he sunk down onto the futon. He was shaking. Fuck. He lay down, gripping his hair, teeth clenched. Not again. No, not again. Why the hell was he reacting like this to Dave? It was his goddamn brother. Look at him, developing some weird brother complex. Dirk shot up from his position on the couch and punched the wall, a hole immediately forming where his fist had been.

He shook his hand out and took deep breaths. Then he went to his room and lay down on the floor. He fell asleep like that at 7:16.

****  
  


The next morning, he woke up to the sound of his alarm. He turned it right off and sat up, rubbing his eyes. His back cracked uncomfortably as he stood up. Maybe Dirk shouldn’t have slept on the floor. . .

Making his way to the bathroom, he groaned. Rain was pounding on the roof and Dirk knew it was that December rain that everyone hated. It was cold and had little bits of sleet in it. Irritating. He couldn’t imagine living in Virginia with Roxy where it did that well into March most years. He enjoyed his heat more than he’d admit when it was 98 degrees and he was sweating like a dog, but he enjoyed it.

Dirk took his time getting ready and lounging about that morning. He ate a bowl of cereal, texted Roxy back about his plans for the day, because she had texted him about 3 A.M., knowing she wouldn’t text him back until about noon. Then, he shot Dave a simple message over pesterchum. Sometimes Dave would check it for ironic purposes. If he didn’t, no harm done.

**\--timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turtechGodhead [TG]--**

**TT: Hey, Bro.**

**TT: Happy birthday.**

**TT: I sent you some pretty lame ass gifts, so enjoy them. You like Olive Garden right?**

**TT: Have fun with Rose.**

**\--timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]--**

He figured that would do just fine.

Dirk checked the time again. It was about noon now. He should have figured, seeing as he’d taken a good hour and a half getting ready because he spent a long time showering to work the knots out of his back and then wasted time watching an episode of MLP.

Well, he better make good on what he told Roxy. Dirk stood, grabbing his wallet. He then put on a pair of boots because those went well with his skinny jeans and because it was raining. He pulled a jacket off the hook by the door and grabbed an umbrella. Then he left. Chinese buffet, here the bottomless pit comes.

The sidewalks were pretty clear but people were out driving. Dirk made sure to keep away from the edge of the sidewalks because people didn’t drive well in the rain, one of the main reasons he didn’t bother to drive to the restaurant. It wasn’t like it was cold anyway, it was just wet.

By the time the Strider made it to the buffet, it was 12:43. He didn’t really mind the long walk. It was the sound of traffic that bugged him. People yelling at other people to drive faster out their windows. He never understood that. He’d been other places before and he’d never once hear that from drivers. Sometimes he was convinced people just needed a firm kick in the ass.

Dirk prepaid for the buffet and a refillable drink then was guided to a two-person table at the back. He thanked the small Chinese girl. She worked for the family no doubt. She was only twelve or thirteen.

Dirk dropped his umbrella by the seat and pulled off his jacket. It was really warm in there and the reds only made it pop more. As he made his way to the buffet, he felt himself relax. This place was like a second home. He came here every so often to escape the apartment when he was hungry.

Dirk loaded his plate then took a seat at his table. The soft red cushion of the single-person booth greeted him with ease. It was probably the most comfortable he had been in a while, he thought to himself, looking up at the small lantern over his head. It glowed a soft yellow, but the orange material covering it gave it a fire-like glow. It was like sitting in a big chair in front of a fire in a lodge, not that Dirk had ever gotten to do that. But, it was in tons of movies and it certainly sounded nice.

“Happy birthday,” he mumbled, taking a bite out of a sugar roll.

Dirk chuckled to himself. He really just said that. He could be in a movie. As he took another bite, a body slid into the seat across from him. He looked up, greeted by a familiar face. A kid from school when he had actually gone. He’d gotten too fast for it, so he dropped public school to take online courses back in seventh grade.

“Hey there.”

Rufioh still had the same brown, spiky hair with red tips and the same wanna-be punk look, except he’d taken it up a notch. It fit him pretty well, though, so Dirk couldn’t find it in himself to hold against Nitram.

“Hey.”

Rufioh was grinning. “Still as talkative as ever, I see.”

Dirk gave him a smirk, simply to satisfy the other because, well, he didn’t have time to have an awkward conversation. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Take it however you want, dollface.” Rufioh still had that grin on his face, but Dirk quickly recognized it as flirtatious. That’s right. . . he was bisexual and had a tendency to hit on practically everyone. “So, how’re you?”

Dirk made a so-so motion with his hand. “College is cool. . . .”

“Wait! You’re in college?” Rufioh leaned across the table, looking amazed.

“Yeah.” Dirk took his final bite and his plate was immediately scooped up and taken away. He sipped on his drink. He must have forked that shit down. His stomach was full.

“That’s awesome!” The olive-skinned boy stood and looked over at his table. “Wait here, I’m gonna get my phone. I want your cell number.”

Dirk stood and pulled his jacket on. “I don’t have a cell phone,” he immediately shot him down.

Rufioh turned as the blond picked up his umbrella. “Well, do ya wanna meet up somewhere? On a date?” Oh god. No. “I can take you on a date and I’ll pay for it all, doll.” He winked.

Dirk sighed as if he were actually sorry. He wasn’t. He felt like a dick, but he wasn’t sorry in the least. “Sorry. I have a boyfriend.” He got his umbrella ready for a quick open.

“Then why were you eating by yourself?”

“He lives in the Pacific. He moved there.” Dirk was lying. He _had_ a boyfriend that lived in the Pacific. _Had_.

“Oh. Well. I’m not hard to find, so, give me a call if you guys break it off.” Rufioh smiled. He never faltered.

Dirk simply nodded and then was off. He breathed the best he could as the rain pounded down on his umbrella. He couldn’t even enjoy his birthday lunch in relative peace and quiet. Sighing, the Strider continued on his walk.

About fifteen minutes into it, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out, seeing the text from Roxy. He had another notification, but he wanted to text her back first.

**did u enjoy lumc?**

**lunch***

He replied back with a simple yes and told her where he went. Then, he closed out of his message screen He had a voicemail? Dirk clicked on it without checking who it was. Roxy butt-dialed a lot.

There was a lot of background noise in the voicemail but he heard the voice loud and clear. Dirk froze.

“Yeah, it’s my birthday.” Dave’s voice was slurred. “Seriously, kid? Wouldya stop buggin’ me all the time?” Dirk barely talked to his brother. “You’re so annoying.” His heart broke. “All you do is use up my money an’ stuff. Just move out already or pay for yourself.” Dirk felt a knot work its way in his throat. “And I got some therapist bill. What’s wrong with you now? Getting picked on ‘cause you’re gay? Get over it.” Dave’s voice had anger in it and it had gotten louder. Dirk wanted to run into the traffic. “Jus leave me alone. All you do is make me work more.” There was a woman’s voice.

“Dave. Give me the phone.”

“No. He need to know.” Dave sounded hysterical.

“He already feels that way, Dave. That’s why he went to see a therapist. Roxy and I talked about this. Give me the phone.”

“Fine but tell him I hate him.”

Dirk felt his eyes flow over with burning hot tears as Rose got hold of the phone. “Dirk, please don’t listen to your brother. He’s drunk and he doesn’t mean any of this. He called me fat earlier.” Rose was skinny as hell with awesome curves, but it hurt. He knew Dave meant it. All of his actions proved it. “Happy birthday, Dirk. Please be safe.” Then she hung up.

Dirk stood there. Shocked. There was. . . this empty feeling in his entire chest. His hope had been snuffed out. It was only a tiny flame but eighteen buckets of water had been poured on it. His life was over. He had nothing to live for but Roxy.

When Dirk got bumped into, he suddenly realized that he was soaked. He had dropped the umbrella. Fuck. Dirk picked t up and protected himself from the rain. And he walked home like that. A mere zombie. He felt nothing. He just listened to the rain as it hit pavement.

When he got home, he changed clothes and laid down. He went to sleep on the bathroom floor in a puddle of his tears that he didn’t even remember crying. There was no place to run anymore. He had no brother to call or to look up to. Nobody. . . Nobody. . .

**Nobody.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well! This is long! I love this story


	4. Heart break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is nothing more painful than thinking you are loved by no one than realizing you may be and you've been wrong for so long

Dirk slept for four days straight, taking the time to actually get in his bed, drink some water, and piss every now and then. He didn’t bother showering. He did nothing but sit in his bed and stare blankly at the wall. He missed an appointment with the therapist. He sent her a quick “I caught a bug” and then went to sleep. There were broken sobs every now and then, when he let his pain take over him. It was sick, but he liked it. He welcomed the pain. It was something that really did prove his existence. Happiness wasn’t life. It was nothing but fake security. Dirk didn’t like security. Security was never truly secure. It could be ripped away with nothing but a word or an action.

On the fifth day, there was a loud slam and keys hitting the table in the kitchen and Dirk burrowed under his covers, praying that he could hide forever.

The white sheets were warm and welcoming and a bit stained with oil, but he’d washed the sheets, so the oil was fine. His comforter kind of made him look like a caterpillar. As he lay there, he hoped to god that Dave would let him be. Dave would absolutely not come bother him would he? If all Dirk was was something to waste his money, he would leave him alone. Right?

After a few more hours of sleep, Dirk decided he was leaving. And he wouldn’t come back until Dave was gone.

It was an anger-filled decision. Dirk’s head was pounding as he went to the bathroom and slammed the door behind him, locking it. He was angry when he stripped out of his clothes and when he washed and when he got dressed and when he made his way to the front door without so much as glancing at his older brother. He refused to acknowledge his presence. Fuck you, Bro.

“Dirk.”

The tone was questioning but dull. That monotone just never went away, did it? Dirk wanted to scoff. He didn’t turn to face his brother. Not with the fear and pain coursing through his being.

“Dirk, have you been eating?”

It’s not like you care, he immediately thought. Instead, Dirk managed a, “Why does it matter?” It shouldn’t matter to someone who thinks I’m nothing but a nuisance.

A warm hand was suddenly on his shoulder, perhaps trying to coax him into turning around. Instead, Dirk felt pain shoot through him. Why was he touching him? No. No. Get off. Don’t touch me.

“Dirk, you look like you’ve dropped weight.” Was that concern in his voice? no. Dirk wouldn’t believe it. He was just acting again. All of this was just for his benefit.

He replied with a small shrug, shaking Dave’s hand off, but his brother put it right back on his shoulder, firmer this time.

“How much have you lost?”

Dirk shook the hand away yet again and reached for the doorknob. “I’m just 110.”

“Dirk. That’s not healthy. You’re 6’2”.” Dave’s voice had suddenly gotten stern. Seriously. Why should he care?

“I don’t really care,” Dirk mumbled.

“Have you eaten since your birthday?” So he did remember that message. Did he really think Dirk would forget? Let it slide?

“No.”

“You need food. Damn it. Stop doing this,” Dave groaned.

“Why does it matter? If all I am is some kind of freak show to you, then shouldn’t you be okay with this? Or are you just thinking about how much it would cost to give me a funeral if I died of starvation? I don’t want a funeral. If I die, I can assure you, it won’t be easy to find me.”

Dirk spat this out, turning on his heel. When he caught himself, he shrank back against the door. Striders weren’t supposed to lose their cool. Striders weren’t supposed to act like five year olds, unless they were five year olds. And, when Dave suddenly pulled back and a look Dirk could only place as hurt washed across his face, Dirk reached for the door knob once more and bolted.

It hadn’t stopped pouring since his birthday and he had forgotten his keys. So, Dirk was soaked to the bone and he was having a break down. Once he’d reached a small alleyway, he sank to the ground and pulled his knees into his chest. No. No. No. He hadn’t just done that in front of his brother.

Dirk’s head swarmed with thoughts as the cold rain kept pounding down against the concrete around him. He was going to get sick, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to care ever again. That made him weak and his brother didn’t like weak. He’d said it before.

“Don’t you dare cry. It shows weakness,” Dave said, kneeling in front of the twelve year old Dirk. Dirk had just gotten beaten up. He didn’t know why and he couldn’t stop crying.

Apparently, that hadn’t changed. He still cried a lot, whether he wanted to or not. He was pathetic. Dave would never accept him. He’d saved Dirk from a horrible home and Dirk hadn’t been grateful enough. He’d been a brat and Dave resented it for him. He knew it. He’d pieced it all together.

As he sat there, he realized he needed to get inside somewhere. Anywhere. But. . . he couldn’t stand. It was impossible. He was shaking too badly to get up and walk. Damnit.

“Dirk!”

The teen’s head jerked up from its spot on his knees, fear coursing through him.

“Dirk!”

A body ran past him. Dave. Oh god, it was Dave and he was looking for him. For some reason, Dirk was happy. Dave was looking for him. He cared. Just a bit. He cared.

And, even though Dirk didn’t want to do it, to give into Dave, he knew he had to. He just wanted to go home and lay down. He just wanted to sleep. He just wanted to hear Dave talk to him about meaningless shit and his job and be sure that he meant something to the older. So, he went to stop him, his voice cracking.

He coughed. “B-Bro. . .” It was weak but it was loud, at least enough to catch his brother’s attention because he spun around and he looked panicked.

When Dave’s eyes fell on him, he knew it, because Dave was frozen for a split second before he was running towards him. It was like a movie, but more painful and less romantic, especially when Dave dropped down to his knees at Dirk’s side and grabbed him, pulling him into a hug.

“Dirk. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I. . .” He took a few breaths. “You left your phone at home. I didn’t. . . none of it’s true. I swear.”

And, in that moment, Dirk swore his heart broke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, good lord I can't wait to write another chapter. my head just hurts so bad and I can't breathe right.


	5. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's get you home and get you to shower. Dirk, I'm sorry. Dirk. Sorry. Sorry. 
> 
> All he seems to be is apologetic. . . or is he something else, too?

“Dirk. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I. . .” He took a few breaths. “You left your phone at home. I didn’t. . . none of it’s true. I swear.”

And, in that moment, Dirk swore his heart broke.

Dirk’s chest burned and he started sobbing against his older brother, not able to stop. He felt like a disgrace and he felt so useless but he also felt like he had wronged Dave. He’d assumed something he shouldn’t have and, well, that had allowed him to build up a wall between he and the other. This was his fault, but Dave was still with him, his arms wrapped around him like he was forgiven, and maybe he was. Though he couldn’t imagine why.

After a long while, Dave pulled up. Both of them were now soaked through to the bone and Dirk felt horribly guilty.

“I’m sorry. . .” he murmured, his voice cracking.

“It’s okay, Dirk.” Dave held out a hand. When Dirk didn’t take it, he grabbed him instead and pulled him off the ground. “Come on. Let’s get you home and into dry clothes before one of needs to go to the hospital.”

Dirk nodded as he started to walk, steps a little shaky. He felt weaker than he had in a long time. But, he kept on, allowing Dave to put a hand on his back and rub circles over it.

It didn’t take long to reach their apartment and, once they were in, Dave ordered Dirk to undress and go turn on the shower.

Of course, Dirk did so, shivering under his clothes even though he didn’t notice it at all. He felt numb. When he turned to look in the mirror, Dave stepped in, shirtless. He was skinny, but it was healthy. That’s when he noticed.

He noticed that he wasn’t healthy, not like he thought. He was nothing but bone and muscle with skin stretched over it to accommodate what he had tried to build. He thought he was eating. Apparently. . . he wasn’t. Not nearly enough for someone his size. He was meant to be bulky and big, but he just looked awkward with how much weight he had lost. So, he stared in horror at himself.

A hand on his shoulder pulled him away. He looked over at Dave, seeing the look in his eyes. He’d removed his shades.

“Dirk, I’m sorry,” he breathed and Dirk knew he meant it. He meant it and Dirk pretty much threw himself on Dave, burying his head in the space between his neck and shoulder. “I’m sorry,” was repeated as arms wrapped around him.

Dirk wasn’t crying, but he was very close to doing so. He just nodded into his brother’s chest, trying his best to be good about this all. He looked so sick, no wonder Dave was so worried. Why hadn’t his lovely shrink said anything? Maybe she was more concerned about getting to know him

Dave held Dirk for a bit, guilt radiating off of him as Dirk tried not to lose it again. Sometimes, he thought that he should go to a mental facility and be locked away. But what good would that do?

“Let’s get you in the shower,” Dave said after a long moment. He pulled back a bit.

Helplessly, Dirk nodded. He felt like he might collapse, but he let Dave force him into the shower because he knew it would make Dave feel better. Before Dave could leave, Dirk grabbed his arm. He looked like a little kid asking their dad to stay with them because of monsters.

“Please,” he breathed. “Don’t leave me.”

Dave’s heart broke and he nodded. He pulled his arm back to undress. He understood that Dirk needed him. Dirk knew he understood. Dirk also knew that he was being stupid and probably a bit fucked up for wanting Dave to be with him even in the shower, but he was so upset that it didn’t matter. The thought ceased to even exist once Dave stepped into the shower with him and made him get his hair wet.

Dave massaged shampoo into his hair and massaged his body as he washed him off. Then, he quickly washed himself. Dirk just watched him, mesmerized by his bright red eyes. How come his were so round? Dirk’s were cat-like, pretty much almond shaped. How could brothers be so different?

Dirk looked away when he realized Dave had caught him staring and he didn’t look back straight at him until Dave was dressed in a pair of flannel pajama pants and a black v-neck, having been dressed in his bright orange sweatpants and white t-shirt a few minutes before. Neither of them had on shades. Dirk thanked God for that.

“I’m sorry,” he finally murmured, staring hesitantly at his older brother from his spot on the futon.

Dave looked surprised. It was amazing how much emotion was in his eyes. Though his face said nothing, his eyes were like a book with every event to ever happen in the entire universe written down in millions of different languages and texts.

“Why? You shouldn’t be sorry. Don’t be sorry.”

Dirk nodded, but he still was and he knew that Dave knew it. He knew Dave knew, and it was only confirmed when Dave put a hand on the back of his neck and messed with the hairs at the base. He was trying to make Dirk relax.

“You know, Bro? It gets lonely around here.” Dave nodded. “And Jake calling me clingy probably isn’t helpful.” He nodded again, concern shining bright in his eyes.

“Come here, you little brat,” he smirked a bit.

Dave had been calling him that since forever. Dirk was a manipulative fuck since forever and it had earned him that nickname. So, Dirk let a smile tug at the corners of his lips as he crawled closer and leaned against Dave, looking up at him.

He looked right into those eyes. He’d told Dave that he wanted to have today. He wanted their walls to come down, if that only meant the loss of shades. He needed one day. Dave had complied to his wishes, most likely out of guilt.

“Bro. . . Be honest. Am I fucked up?” It was a stupid question.

Of course Dirk was fucked up. He still had nightmares from what happened to him as a child, still had nightmares of things that didn’t happen, like his Bro never having existed and the word around him being drowned in water. A big green monster named Lord English was a frequent guest in those dreams. He had anger issues, abandonment issues, and he planned everything out way ahead of time in every way it could go.

“A little.” Dave bit his lip. It was a nervous habit he never was able to rid of.

Dirk nodded. His brother hadn’t seemed to notice him staring. He was glad. However, he started to freak himself out about how much he was staring at him, but his eyes wouldn’t move. Having Dave so close to him with an arm around his waist. . . it was like a dream - In a dream, it was okay to reach out and touch the person’s face (so he did) and, in a dream, he could kiss those perfect lips if he wanted to. So, he did. And he didn’t realize he had until he came to the sudden awareness that his eyes were closed. When he opened them suddenly, he was greeted with a pair of eyelids connected to long, curly blond tipped eyelashes with mostly brown.

He jerked back and those eyelids lifted, red eyes revealed.

“D-Dave! I-I’m so so-”

Dave put a hand to his mouth and just pulled him down against his chest. “It’s okay, Dirk. Forget about it. Just sleep.”

Dirk nodded as he suddenly felt this feeling in his stomach almost the exact same as if he was about to throw up. What the hell was that? He’d never thought of kissing his older brother like that before! And Dave fucking let him.

He bit his lip and closed his eyes. He had to sleep this off. This was some kind of mistake.

So, he let Dave’s hand in his hair soothe him to sleep. He let his thoughts fade into black. He knew Dave wouldn’t move, they’d sleep like this. He’d done this long ago.

He could only rely on Dave now. His brain was too far gone.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've been listening to the song Stand in the Rain and I suddenly realized how well I could fit some sad Strider stuff into it. I know the first chapter is short and a bit choppy, but that's because I'm writing in the way Dirk is thinking. As if every thing he does is just another task and it's like a list. Like chores that's he's following mindlessly and never giving it a second thought. Also, this is partially for my friend, turntechmakarahead, because I know she likes this stuff as much as I do. I have so many Strider fanfics I have actually filled a folder.


End file.
